Villain Number One
by TheSixthApprentice
Summary: It's time for Xemnas' biennial performance review to see if he is still eligible to be a villain. Once he is told that he is failing nearly all the quotas, he decides to complete them by bending the rules.


The minute hand of his silver wrist watch ticked to the number 7. Sighing, he glanced at the clock above him to see if it had really been two hours. His stomach growled and his feet were numb and it was at that moment when he considered giving up on his villain status to become a model for a painter. Letting out another sigh, he took a step forward. He had entered this high rise building at the entrance that was about 30 feet away and was now nearing a wall that contained two doors. After every twenty minutes or so someone in line would go into one of those doors to be evaluated on their villain status where they would either be eligible to continue to be a villain or denied. Xemnas had missed nights of sleep for this day and had encountered many stomach aches. He actually had to smuggle some Xanax to keep him calm.

He swallowed the lump in his throat and inhaled a deep breath- assuring himself that everything was going to be fine and that he had done this before. But he's aged since then, right? So his performance _must_ have decreased surely-at least, that's what he thought.

He watched the clock above him and then back down at his wrist watch to see if both minute hands were in sync out of utter boredom. His watch was off by exactly 7 seconds.

He took another step forward. He was getting closer to those doors now.

Another hour went by and he was finally first in line, waiting for the individual to leave through one of those doors. He closed his eyes and just focused on his breath, assuring himself that he was the baddest villain of them all- he was the number one villain. He swallowed and stuck out his chest and pushed his shoulders back, making him appear more bigger. Oh yeah, he's got this.

The door opened slowly with a creak and out stepped a man with black, shoulder-length wavy hair and red themed attire. Xemnas stepped aside as to not get stabbed by his long sword. They greeted each other.

"Best of luck to you my friend. Ol' Hook is still in business!" Xemnas nodded and stepped into the office, shutting the door behind him. The room was small and had no windows. It was as if nobody was in the room at all, but he could hear the cackling of the keyboard behind a bulky computer monitor. He took a seat in the uncomfortable, office chair and cleared his throat to make his presence known. The typing stopped for a few seconds, but then continued.

"So you're Xemnas, correct?" A nasally voice asked from behind the monitor. All Xemnas could picture was a lanky teenager with cystic acne and asthma.

"Correct." He simply replied, wanting to get this over and done with. He stared at the tacky 90's style carpeting that was worn and torn in places. He wondered if there was a single spot on this carpet that hadn't been stepped on since it was laid.

"Let me pull up your profile…" The man slapped his finger on a key and drummed his fingers on the desk, waiting for it to load. Xemnas began to breathe faster and felt dizzy- everything he had done was on that profile and it determined whether or not if he was still eligible to be considered a villain. Quickly, he mentally went over the villainous acts he had participated in over the past two years.

Stole candy from a baby? Classic. Of course he had done that. He tripped Demyx down a flight of stairs, causing the poor Nobody to have broken nose. Oh yeah, he had this in the bag- he was probably the most baddest villain there was.

"Looks like you haven't committed an evil act in 7 days- that's a week's time- 168 hours to be exact." A large hand grabbed the side of the monitor as the man spun it around. He peered over- the man was almost what Xemnas thought he looked like, except he was chubby, had red hair and glasses. Not to mention that cystic acne.

Xemnas was in shock at not only how big that zit was on his nose, but by how incredibly wrong that information was.

"That can't be true. Something is wrong with your system. I am the Superior of the Inbetween and power over nothingness and I have lived up to my title as a villain."

The guy snorted a laugh a little too hard. "Well if that's the case then that explains why you haven't done anything." He sat back in his chair. "Well in your situation you could file a 209 form to change your title and abilities to match your current villain status or…" He slid a piece of paper across the desk that was titled in bold letters: VILLAIN DENIAL FORM.

Xemnas didn't move a limb and darted his eyes back and forth between the screen and the form.

"This cannot be...I am a villain, it is who I truly am. I will not settle with this denial form nor will I succumb to the petty 209 form!"

The guy rested his elbows on the desk. "Well in that case I could send you to the Villain 101 Ward where you'll have to be trained to be a villain OR you could complete your missing quotas within a week's time." He leaned in and dropped his voice to a whisper. "If I were you I would stay away from that ward. I've only seen what that does to people." The clock's minute hand ticked with every passing, silent second. It had ticked about ten times before Xemnas thought of what to say.

"How many quotas need to be completed?"

The guy turned the screen back around and typed loudly again. Surely he couldn't have missed much, he was the baddest villain he knew!

"Says here you're failing all but two." He spun the monitor around and chuckled at Xemnas' jaw-dropped face. He couldn't believe his eyes.

He read the text in shock:

 _Physically fought an opponent 5/100_ _ **F**_

 _Caused an opponent to cry: 48/100_ _ **F**_

 _Killed an opponent: 0/25_ _ **F**_

 _Cheesy Battle Quotes said: 2/50_ _ **F**_

 _Times Candy has been stolen from a baby: 1/50_ _ **F**_

 _Stricken fear in an opponent with epic battle pose: 2/50_ _ **F**_

 _Useless minions hired: 12/10_ _ **A**_

 _Times evil plans have been revealed to hero once captured: 0/10_ _ **F**_

 _Empty Threats said: 157/200_ _ **C**_

"Your system is a fallacy! I have utilized many cheesy battle quotes! I will not stand for this utter nonsense." He violently stood up- his chair falling behind him. He pointed his gloved finger into the man's face. "Just wait until I turn you into a dusk! You will regret ever speaking with me!"

"Is that a threat, sir?"

"You bet your ass it is!"

The man smiled as a chirpy ding sound came from the computer. "Congratulations, Xemnas! You have bumped your C grade on empty threats to a B!" He turned to his filing cabinet and pulled out a sheet of paper and a large fancy pen while Xemnas still stood there with his finger in the air, trying to process what just happened. "I think you'll do just fine if you complete the missing quotas. Just sign this form and I'll send it over to my boss so you don't lose your villain status. You have potential, Xemnas." He looked up at the superior. "Xemnas?" He asked. The superior blinked and shook his head.

"I'll sign it." He scribbled his signature at the bottom quickly. There was no way he was losing his villain status. He could easily complete these quotas in a week's time.

The man swiped the paper away and placed it into a folder. "I'm going to print out the quotas you need to fill and I'll call you next week to tell you if you've passed or not. Remember, you only have a week's time to complete them and you have a LOT to do."

Once Xemnas received the paper that contained the quotas he needed to fill, he left the crowded high rise lobby and went on his way home, wondering how the hell he was going to kill 25 people when he only had 12 people on his hit list. If he took out those 12 people then his "Useless Minion" grade would drop to an F.


End file.
